GLOBAL—A new report released today confirms what you’ve always feared—that the guy on social media is totally kicking your butt.

The report found that while you were busy sleeping, this guy had already flipped three houses, closed two sponsorship deals, jogged 27 miles, fortified himself with four pounds of raw steak and a glass of goat's milk, and launched a new line of apparel—and that was all before 7 a.m.

Meanwhile, according to the same report, you hit snooze three times before finally fumbling out of bed and somehow managed to find a clean pair of socks.

The report went on to mention that your time management skills are nonexistent, you don't even own a multi-million-dollar business, and you eat way too many processed foods. Like, way, way too many.

The report concluded that there’s only one way out of this mess: drop everything and binge-watch the influencer guy's videos immediately.

CITY, STATE — A groundbreaking new study has found that the current thing, and you should.

An international team of people spent the last year pouring over data from the media, government, and other trusted sources, and found clear evidence that the current thing.

“We looked at every approved thing,” said a guy, one of the lead people for the study. “And what our findings suggest is this: Not only is the current thing, but if you think the current thing is not, it is.”

So, what should we make of this study? The lead guy says it’s simple: “I would say the current thing. You can't go wrong.”

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HEAVEN — During a press conference earlier this week, Christ confirmed that part of achieving eternal salvation includes rigorously analyzing Vatican documents and correctly determining the validity of the current Pope.

"Look, loving God with all of your heart and loving your neighbor as yourself are good things, sure," Our Lord stated. "But let's not overemphasize that, please. Ultimately, you've got to keep tabs on the Pope."

As an example, Christ highlighted the suspicion Christians should have for new encyclicals. "As soon as a new encyclical comes out, you really need to open that thing up and do a 'control plus F' to look for liberal buzzwords. You know they're going to try to slip them in there."

Our Lord concluded the press conference by offering some practical advice: "Find a lay Catholic grifter with a podcast, and filter the magisterium through them," He stated. "Look for the guys that equate holiness with externals and tend towards scrupulosity and fear-mongering. Those are the good ones. Oh, and bonus points if they equate the corporal works of mercy with wokeness."

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ROME — Pope Francis today extended his heartfelt thanks to all users of X (formerly Twitter) for their invaluable assistance in running the Church.

Speaking from the Vatican, the pontiff expressed his deep gratitude for the unsolicited advice, 280-character theological insights, and hilarious memes that have become essential to his daily decision-making process.

"Without the constant guidance of X accounts, I would be utterly lost," Pope Francis confessed. "And, this may be surprising to some, but I like hearing from both the ‘mad trads’, as I affectionately call them, and the ‘popesplainers’. It keeps me balanced,” he added.

At publication time, Francis was seen scrolling through his feed to get ideas for his next encyclical.

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ROME—Newly discovered drafts of Sacrosanctum Concilium in the Vatican Archives show that Pope Paul VI attempted to trick the council into preserving the Mass and sacraments in Latin.

Evidence shows he added the phrase “of Julius Caesar” to the part of the document that authorized the use of “vernacular language.”

The phrase, which appears to have been typed on a separate piece of paper, and then taped onto the draft manuscript, is circled in red ink, indicating the addition was caught during review, and never saw the light of day—until now.

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The Fly has obtained EXCLUSIVE excerpts from Dick Cheney's highly anticipated new Bible commentary, The NeoCon's Study Bible.

See them all below:

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WASHINGTON — As part of their efforts to protect access to IVF, Senators Cruz and Britt unveiled a new take on the classic “Adoption is the loving option” bumper sticker. The new design, which is available for $9.99 to help support their campaigns, reads:

“Artificially creating multiple new human embryos and then systematically destroying most of them is the loving option.”

“It doesn’t roll off the tongue as nicely as the original phrase, but we think that’s a fair trade-off for getting this important message out,” Cruz said. “As pro-life politicians, we must always stand up for the rights of the wealthy to create new life on demand, without interference from the government.”

Britt added, “Adoption is the only other alternative, and it’s just not attractive for most people. The amount of paperwork required just to save a kid from an orphanage is ridiculous, and that should not be someone’s only option.” 

Cruz and Britt both noted that, as Christians, the message of Jesus is very important to them, but that the Bible is simply silent on this topic. “I mean, if you could point to something in the Bible that prioritizes caring for orphans, or sheds light on how Jesus thought of the most vulnerable in society, perhaps we would think differently. But it’s just not there,” said Britt.

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With reports of additional allegations being sent to the Vatican, and the fate of his artwork a hotly debated issue, we asked our community: What do you think of Rupnik's totally creepy art?

If my kid ever drew anything that looked like that stuff, I'd take him to therapy immediately. And maybe get a restraining order against him.

- John G., Project Manager

Our public polling data hasn’t come back yet. I’ll have to get back to you once I know what to think.

- Michael M., Archdiocesan Consultant

His artwork really captures the essence of humanity’s exciting future: Frail, slender bodies, on account of a 100% plant-based diet; and large, black, soulless voids for eyes, on account of our as-yet-unannounced exciting plans for you. Stay tuned!

- Klaus S., International Governance Expert

What makes me the saddest is that people will no longer be able to see his artwork in the same light. Where people once saw majestic beauty, they’ll now just see unspeakably hideous, creepy, disfigured, soul-sucking monstrosities. It's such a shame.

- Susan D., Office Manager

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BRIDGEPORT — Parishioners at St. Anne’s are getting pretty tired of local man John Foley’s attempt at humor each Sunday. Foley, 52, and also a parishioner at St. Anne’s, stands near the holy water font and makes a loud “sizzling” sound each time someone dips their finger in.

“Yeah, it’s not that funny, and not even very original,” said parishioner Susan Pane. “Oh, gee, good one John. I guess the holy water sizzles because I’m evil. Ha. Ha. Can we move past grade school please? It's so tiresome.”

Foley sees it differently. “I mean come on, man, it’s hilarious!” he told The Fly. “I’m just havin’ some good fun with ‘em. Ain’t nobody here evil, come on, it’s a joke.”

Despite turning the entire parish against him, Foley has no plans to stop. “In fact,” he said, “I’m lookin’ at movin’ to a remote-controlled device, so I can be hidin’ and just press a little button to activate the sound each time. Yessir, I’ve got big plans!”

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BERLIN — The Vatican today officially rejected a formal request from the German Bishops' Conference to allow cats to act as altar servers.

The German bishops submitted the request after local listening sessions resulted in oddly specific requests to "make the Mass more relevant by using adorable little kitty cats as altar servers."

"Vat can I say? Vee Germans like zee cats, and always zink about zem," said Christoph Schmidt, spokesman for the bishops' conference.

One of the German bishops, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said there was a general feeling of disappointment with the decision. "Vee are so disappointed. Vee vanted so much to have zee little kitty cats bringing us zee cruets and other zings,” he said.

As of press time, it appeared the German bishops were just going to go ahead and do it anyway.

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WASHINGTON — Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God, gave the commencement speech to this year's graduating class at the Catholic University of America (CUA) over the weekend.

Bringing a message of humility and holiness, Jesus told the students, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

The student reaction was largely positive. "I thought it was awesome," said Julia Bernard, a theater major. "He looks just like Jonathan Roumie, who is like my favorite actor right now, so it almost felt like I got to meet him."

Not everyone was happy with the message, however. Finance major Amanda Richards was hoping for something more encouraging. "I've worked my butt off for four years and just secured a great job with Wells Fargo, and I was hoping today would be a day to celebrate that. But instead our commencement speaker spends like 20 minutes telling us about how much He loves poor people? It just seems rude, honestly. I felt attacked."

Jesus had to leave immediately after the speech to deliver a few choice words to a joint session of congress.

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ROME — Amid growing pressure from men's groups, the Vatican on Tuesday released new guidance on the morality of Zyn nicotine pouches. Issued by the Dicastery on Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Non-Tobacco Nicotine Products (DATFNTNP), the guidance suggests that low-dose Zyn pouches are not sinful, but leaves open the question of higher dose pouches, as well as the morality of other brands.

"Our guidance today is specific to the 3 milligram strength nicotine pouches under the brand name Zyn, manufactured by Swedish Match," Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni noted.

"It is quite possible that the 6 milligram strength is a sin; we did not examine that question. Furthermore, if one were to rip two 3 milligram upper deckies at once — or even a lower decky and upper decky simultaneously — we caution that this may be morally equivalent to a 6 milligram pouch," Bruni added.

After the press conference, reporters noted that Bruni turned away and pretended to cough while appearing to place a delicious white lip pillow in his upper deck.

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CENTERVILLE, OH — In a heartfelt interview, long-time church usher, 78-year-old Walter Nickels, expressed his deep nostalgia for the days when parishioners filled the collection plates with crisp bills and shiny coins.

"There was nothing quite like the smell of fresh cash in the morning," Nickels reminisced, a wistful look in his eyes. "Nowadays, it's all digital donations and checks – where's the fun, the drama, the romance in that?"

He fondly recalled the satisfying rustle of dollar bills as he passed the plates down the pews. “There was almost a kind of thrill to it,” Nickels said. “I remember this one guy — we only knew him as ‘El Jefe’ — would plunk down massive wads of cash each week. We’re talking tightly rolled, all hundred dollar bills — just pure class and swagger. And you could smell it. Yessir, you could just smell that sweet, sweet cash. Gosh there’s nothing else like it.”

Nickels expressed concern that younger generations may never experience the joy of physically placing their offerings in the collection plate, missing out on the tactile connection to their faith. "It's just not the same," he lamented, "clicking a button to donate online."

The church has tried to console Nickels by letting him hold the checks before they're deposited. While he said he appreciates the gesture, he noted that it’s a cold and sterile replacement for what he once knew.

As the world continues to go digital, Nickels remains a stalwart advocate for the traditional way of giving, even if it means he has to continue his weekly visits to the bank to inhale the scent of freshly printed bills.

SOUTH BEND, IN — During an appearance at an event on Notre Dame’s campus earlier this week, presidential hopeful Donald Trump was asked about his favorite aspect of Catholicism.

“My favorite? Gee, that’s a tough one. I have to say, probably all of them. I really like all of the aspects. There’s just so much. So beautiful. It’s all just quite special,” Trump said.

Trump added, “And maybe the Trinity, as one feature that I really like. And, you’re not supposed to pick favorites, but I have to say, the Father is pretty great. He’s the head honcho, you know? And He’s been there for millions — maybe even billions— of years. And He’s doing such a great job, such a great job.”

When asked what he meant by the Father doing such a great job, Trump added: “I mean, you look at the world at the beginning, and it’s this dark, messy place. And the Father really comes in and cleans it up, just like we’re going to do with our country. We’ve got to clean up our country.”

At publication time, the University of Notre Dame press office had not yet responded to our request for comment. 

ROME - The Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) announced yesterday that Fr. Justin, just weeks after having been canceled by Catholic Answers, has been ordained a bishop and will serve as the new head of global youth outreach for the group.

“We are always seeking ways to remain relevant to the young people of today,” said Paul Warren, SSPX spokesman. “When we heard about this priest with an online apostolate who was giving based answers, we were intrigued. So, naturally, when we received the news of his cancellation, we contacted him immediately.”

Warren explained that the SSPX seeks to protect solid priests. “The Church of Vatican II continues to cancel prelates who preach the hard truths, like Father — I mean, Bishop — Justin, and we wanted to take a stand.”

“Was it a hasty decision? Yes, perhaps, but one I don’t think we’ll regret,” Warren added.

When asked about whether Bishop Justin would continue to offer confessions online, Warren seemed caught off guard. “Online confessions? What do you mean?”