Jesus confirms analyzing the Pope necessary for salvation
HEAVEN — During a press conference earlier this week, Christ confirmed that part of achieving eternal salvation includes rigorously analyzing Vatican documents and correctly determining the validity of the current Pope.
"Look, loving God with all of your heart and loving your neighbor as yourself are good things, sure," Our Lord stated. "But let's not overemphasize that, please. Ultimately, you've got to keep tabs on the Pope."
As an example, Christ highlighted the suspicion Christians should have for new encyclicals. "As soon as a new encyclical comes out, you really need to open that thing up and do a 'control plus F' to look for liberal buzzwords. You know they're going to try to slip them in there."
Our Lord concluded the press conference by offering some practical advice: "Find a lay Catholic grifter with a podcast, and filter the magisterium through them," He stated. "Look for the guys that equate holiness with externals and tend towards scrupulosity and fear-mongering. Those are the good ones. Oh, and bonus points if they equate the corporal works of mercy with wokeness."
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