Jesus gives commencement speech at CUA

WASHINGTON — Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God, gave the commencement speech to this year's graduating class at the Catholic University of America (CUA) over the weekend.

Bringing a message of humility and holiness, Jesus told the students, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

The student reaction was largely positive. "I thought it was awesome," said Julia Bernard, a theater major. "He looks just like Jonathan Roumie, who is like my favorite actor right now, so it almost felt like I got to meet him."

Not everyone was happy with the message, however. Finance major Amanda Richards was hoping for something more encouraging. "I've worked my butt off for four years and just secured a great job with Wells Fargo, and I was hoping today would be a day to celebrate that. But instead our commencement speaker spends like 20 minutes telling us about how much He loves poor people? It just seems rude, honestly. I felt attacked."

Jesus had to leave immediately after the speech to deliver a few choice words to a joint session of congress.