Vatican declares "Zyn is not a sin"

ROME — Amid growing pressure from men's groups, the Vatican on Tuesday released new guidance on the morality of Zyn nicotine pouches. Issued by the Dicastery on Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Non-Tobacco Nicotine Products (DATFNTNP), the guidance suggests that low-dose Zyn pouches are not sinful, but leaves open the question of higher dose pouches, as well as the morality of other brands.

"Our guidance today is specific to the 3 milligram strength nicotine pouches under the brand name Zyn, manufactured by Swedish Match," Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni noted.

"It is quite possible that the 6 milligram strength is a sin; we did not examine that question. Furthermore, if one were to rip two 3 milligram upper deckies at once — or even a lower decky and upper decky simultaneously — we caution that this may be morally equivalent to a 6 milligram pouch," Bruni added.

After the press conference, reporters noted that Bruni turned away and pretended to cough while appearing to place a delicious white lip pillow in his upper deck.